Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no