Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*