My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.