Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.