Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached