Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave