Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

President The Rock Obama

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Stop sending me this shit.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree