Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

🐕🍷

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him