I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s