Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Camping tip: No.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”