I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
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My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House