I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.