I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
You Might Also Like
Skip intro
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Was it something I said?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
✨☝️✨
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
This kid is a star!
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?