I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what