Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.