I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*