I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked