I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.