I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go