I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
S O O N
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*puts cutlery down*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
middle school in the ’90s
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken