I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

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Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on


UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier


“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder


Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb


My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.


My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.


DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William


I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.


Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone