I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
what day is it?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*