I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
You Might Also Like
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Message from the dog groomers
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.