Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

umm…

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.