Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

OKAY DAD

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.