I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
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Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
this is the best day of my life
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
checking out some reviews of my local library
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*