Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

getting seasonal up in here

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis