I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
This was the best day of my life
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Smooooooth
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please