Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weaknesses.

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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions