I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
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Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Lmao 🤣
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Not my job 😂
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
incredible google review i just found
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”