I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
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A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.