I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
🤷♀️
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.