I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
You Might Also Like
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild