I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
who’s gonna tell her?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Cause of death: Zumba
These are too funny not to post 😂
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Wedding planning is organized crime.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18