I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
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Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Rude much 😂😂😂
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4