I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this