I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
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Well well well…
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
mechanics be like
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
And then there were 4
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.