I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.