Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

I march to the beat of my own dumb

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen