I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
![]()
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”