Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

When I snag the last meatball.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?