I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
shit just got real
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.