Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

*sewing*

A thread

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.