I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
We made a comic about a space heater.
Love this one 😂🧟
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.