Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought