I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
There are usually two types of merchants.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
is this a threat
