i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Toxic snake
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.