Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.