i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Tuesday
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”