i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
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I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
plums roundup
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW