I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
