Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.