Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?