I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.