Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”