I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Always a housemaid, never a house.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.