I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’