Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive