I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow