I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
When you let grandma cat sit
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Just a friendly reminder!
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.