I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
2 years later
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point