Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀