Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Grandmother clock.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.