I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
You are what you delete.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder