I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
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My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?