I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
nice challenge
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
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