I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
You Might Also Like
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens