I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.