I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me