Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.