Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher