I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…