I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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Catercrombie & Fish
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
crying
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Just a reminder, folks:
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.